An Unlikely Evening

Key:

(.) = Pause of less than a second

(2) = Longer pause-number indicates how many seconds it is

Bold = Emphatic stress

Hillback: (opens front door) Bradley (1) what on earth are you wearing?

Walsh: Paul Sinha’s suit (.) after season five of the Chase finished (.) Paul was going to take this bad boy down to the charity shop (1) and I thought ‘you know I need an outfit for this shindig’, so I paid ten quid for it.

Hillback: It looks (1) it looks (1) no (.) word in the English Language can describe how that looks.

Walsh: I know it’s a bit adventurous but.........

Bradley stops mid sentence as he casts his eyes towards the dining table, where exquisite champagne glasses, pristine silver cutlery and antique salt and pepper sellers are located. The mahogany wood table is covered with a cream table cloth, with illustrations of roses and tulips threaded through the fabric.

Walsh: Blimey (1) flippen eck (.) is the Queen coming?

Hillback: Cancelled last minute (1) she emailed (.) apparently Phillip’s coming down with the flu

Walsh: I’m used to simple dining me (.) its all a bit extravagant for a cockney.

Hillback: Beans on toast for you then?

Walsh: Yeah (.) loads of brown sauce (1) I’m sorted me with that (2) what is the scram anyway?

Hillback: It’s a surprise

Walsh: The last surprise I had (.) was fathering twins (1) so I don’t have good feelings about surprises.

Hillback: Let’s just say (1) I need to cater for all of our guests

Walsh: Speaking of which (.) who else is coming?

Hillback: Churchill...

Walsh: Fantastic (1) I could do with a better deal on my car insurance

Hillback: Winston

Walsh: Ahh (1) don’t mention the war

Hillback: King Harold....

Walsh: I see (2) get it ‘I’ see

Hillback: Hilarious (1) and Brian Clough

A loud thunderous knock on the front door startles Bradley

Walsh: Cor blimey (.) nearly gave me a heart attack!

Hillback: It’s open

Churchill: Bradley Walsh (1) you could have invited any living or dead person to this dinner party great names such as (.) Jane Austin (.) Julius Cesar (.) Michelangelo (1) and you’ve invited Bradley ‘I find it difficult to pronounce simple words’ Walsh. Give me strength.

  

Walsh: (5) so, how’s life?

Churchill: Mine ended in 1965 (1) and thank goodness it did (1) because since then this country has......

Churchill becomes distracted by the waitress, who is placing cards on the table informing the guests of their seating arrangements. He whispers the following.

Churchill: I heard she won second prize in a beauty contest (1) a pig won

The front door swings open.

Clough: Lock up your daughters (1) Cloughie is hear (.) the best football manager there ever was (.) I am the greatest (.) better than all the rest (.) because I’m simply the best (3) I’ve brought Harold with me (.) so giz a sherry.

King Harold: It’s King Harold actually.

Clough: Do I look like a man who gives a damn (2) king my behind (.) from where I’m standing you could pass off as a member of Wham.

All the guests make their way over to the dining table

Clough (breaks into song): I want a glass of wine (.) sherry (.) port of whisky will also be fine. I don’t want a fancy meal (.) nothing like caviar or veal (.) I’m just happy with a bowl of cereal.

Walsh opens his mouth in the hope that he can perform a duet with Clough

Churchill: If you start singing (.) I’ll shove this fork where the sun doesn’t shine

Walsh: Why can Clough sing but I can’t?

Churchill: (in a mocking tone) ‘why can Clough sing and I can’t’

Clough: Churchill (.) you amaze me (.) I always imagined you to be an agreeable fellow but instead (1) instead (.) you’re just like me (1) and I can’t help but admire that (raises a glass).

King Harold: Hey Cloughie (.) I’m a miserable git too

Clough: Call me ‘Cloughie’ again and there will be another instrument sticking out of your eye.

The waitress brings the starters over. The food is some type of stew.

Churchill: No way (1) no way I’m eating that

Hillback: What’s wrong with it (1) its only stew

Churchill: Sick (.) is more atheistically pleasing than this

Walsh: Its bloody lovely this is (the sauce is dripping down his chin)

Clough: For effin sake Walsh (.) you eat like a pig

Churchill: This is disgusting (1) I’m going

King Harold: You know he has a point

Clough: Is there a pizza hut around here?

King Harold: I noticed a domino’s around the corner

Clough: I could murder a pepperoni feast right now

Churchill: What are we waiting for then?

Churchill, King Harold and Clough all get up from the table.

Hillback: What don’t go (.) I’ve got roast beef (1) and cheesecake.

The door slams shut

Walsh: (rubbing his hands together) how about that roast beef then?

The End