Sole Destroying

What is it with weddings? Why do people have to spend an excessive amount of money, for the changing of a surname? It’s like a movie that I’ve seen a thousand times, the ending line is always ‘I do’ there’s not much point turning up for the rest; I’ll raid the buffet afterwards, raise a glass to the happy couple, and then I’ll be off. And people always have the same conversation at weddings ‘oh doesn’t she look lovely?’ ‘Isn’t he so lucky?’ and ‘does my butt look big in this?’

  You always get that one reticent character at weddings, you’ve probably seen him/her at previous functions; the one who always sits alone, swirling their glass, desperately scouring the room in the hope of seeing a single individual who would like to sail off into the sunset with them. Because they’re turning thirty and before you know it they’ll be forty, they will never have any children, will be stuck in the same boring and pointless job, end up with fifteen cats, drink tea out of the same mug; and have a social care worker attend their home daily just to check if they are still alive. I could write the script.

  And why on earth do I have to buy new clothes? I was debating this point with my sister yesterday; I have a perfectly adequate wardrobe and don’t really want to traipse around town searching for more attire. However, if I could give one piece of advice to every man, it would be don’t argue with women; especially my sister. King Kong would run faster than the speed of light if he encountered our Mary.

   Clothes shopping is tedious, but there is nothing in this universe that is more irksome than buying shoes. Trying them on is a nightmare, why does the sales assistant have to stand over me? Sometimes, I take forever to tie the shoelaces just to irritate them. Occasionally, more staff will join the sales assistant, and suddenly I have a crowd of people around me; it’s as if I’m performing some sort of magic act. In addition, why does the sales assistant insist on placing the shoes behind the till? I don’t intend to buy anything else, am I incapable of taking a shoebox one hundred yards without assistance?

  Now I’m going to have clown feet; my sister demanded that I buy Lloyd shoes with the pointing toes, I’ve never seen anything more ridiculous in my life. It isn’t a little point either, they stretch for at least a couple of inches; soon people will be calling me Ronald McDonald. The amount of money I’ve spent for this shindig totals £5,000; I’ve cried real tears over the loss of that money.

   Just as I’m trying on my expensive suit, wondering if life can become any worse, and berating the fact that I’m missing the FA Cup final; Jimmy opens my bedroom door without knocking and slumps on my bed. “I cor do it man, I got butterflies in my chest man.” “Don’t you mean butterflies in your stomach, and what do you mean you can’t do it?” “I got the nerves ay I, my hearts pounding, I’m shaking like a leaf, there’s gonna be a thousand people there, looking for a good speech and I ay gonna be the man to say it like. “Jimmy people know you, there’s no one going to be looking for ‘Shakespeareske’ writing, just say a few words and don’t overdo it.”  “Yam right, I’m yo best man, and I’m gonna do a cracking job.”

   Now you may be thinking that being as I’m the one getting married I shouldn’t be so cynical about weddings? You see I didn’t propose, why would I we had only been dating  for six months at the time, Lisa didn’t propose either. I know that the whole idea of getting engaged involves someone, usually the man, proposing. Not on this occasion. We were in a lovely Italian restaurant, and the plan was that I would break it off with her at the end of the night. I know breakups are difficult to take, so I thought that by taking Lisa for a slap up three course meal, it would soften the blow and she’d realise what a considerate guy I am.

  Anyway, tomato soup arrives and she notices something shiny on her spoon. Lisa lifts it up, and begins blubbing before jumping and shouting, inadvertently knocking a chair over in the process. She throws her arms over me, and the entire restaurant gives us a standing ovation, clapping like seals. The strange part about this whole charade was that Lisa didn’t even order tomato soup. Mind you, Jimmy did introduce me to her, so I think that explains that. I have no idea where the gold ring came from, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t intended to be a proposal.

   So here I am on my wedding day, the more I think about it, the more I warm to the idea; I suppose I could do a lot worse. Jimmy, my stony faced accomplice is waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. One last look in the mirror just to straighten my tie. I put on my new footwear, wishing I could wear the ones next to them. ‘The pair of shoes, scuffed and worn, were standing sentimental at the door.’