My Online World

The countless idiosyncrasies of social media, camouflaged in a world popularised by celebrities and attractive individuals; what a joyous experience those folk have on websites such as ‘Facebook’, ‘Twitter’ and ‘Flickr, an image sharing site’.  Not to mention online dating which has characters such as, the unavoidable red head sensation, who never replies to my thoughtful messages, the ‘mysterious’ blonde who seems unable to contribute anything remotely useful to our laborious conversation; apparently only able to type an abundant amount of smiley faces, and that annoying acronym ‘lol.’ I almost forgot, the African queen, the eccentric Akua from Senegal, who desperately needs £10,000 so she can travel to be with me in the UK.

   The following seven day memoir of my online activities, demonstrates that if you find popularity in the ‘real’ world hard to come by, don’t escape to the online world; chances are you will only experience the same shunned effect.

Day 1:

Facebook, taking over my life since 2004, if I ever meet its founder Mark Zuckerberg, who is undeniably ubiquitous in media circles; then I would point out that unfathomably the site is generally a popularity contest. I find it baffling that some people can receive so much feedback on aspects of life such as, what breakfast cereal takes their fancy and why Justin Timberlake should have never left the boy band *NSYNC. And yet, when I discuss intelligible subjects such as how publicists in the Conservative political party, are abusing their connections, to sell ‘voices’ in the House of Commons, I receive no comments whatsoever.

   I have just, put the finishing touches to my online dating profile, and I have to say I received a message instantaneously…. From the site creator insisting ‘that this is the best dating site, the World Wide Web has to offer and if I need help locating different aspects of the interface, do not hesitate to email us’. I browsed my matches, and was immediately drawn to Karen; the red had sensation I mentioned earlier, just below the arousing picture of her in a bikini in glorious sunshine on a bright white beach; announced that she was ‘online now.’ Karen, 24, a part time receptionist and a student at the University of Liverpool, studying Biology, likes long walks in the countryside and partying, describes herself as a ‘lovable rogue.’ She dislikes cats, ‘obnoxious individuals,’ capitalism and sport.

    I sent her the following message ‘hey, would love to get to know you, we seem to have lots in common, hope to hear back.’

Day 2:

It’s been 13 hours, 24 minutes and 21 seconds since I sent a message to Karen, and still I have heard nothing.

   The micro-blogging phenomenon that is Twitter, infuriates me, not only because the user is afforded 140 characters to air their views, but because it is saturated with celebrities posting pictures of their extravagant holidays, or trying to relate to the ‘ordinary’ person, when they have no idea how true society operates. @realross, the official Twitter account of ITV presenter Jonathon Ross, exemplifies my point. He rants on about the proposed privatisation of the Royal Mail, but all his letters are probably dealt with by his agent; so why would this even concern him? And his recent exertion to Bermuda, well anybody who ‘follows’ Ross, was given a blow by blow account of his adventure, so we have no reason to ever visit Bermuda as we now know pretty much everything about it.

    It amazes me, how much information people are willing to transfer onto Facebook. Why cannot people realise, that the social media site, acts as a platform for crime amongst other illicit activity? When people announce they are going on holiday, why not put the following message on your front door?:

Dear Mr Burglar,

Thank you very much, for choosing our property to ransack, we feel privileged that you are willing to risk your freedom for our valuable items. My daughter recently bought an Ipad 3, you can find that just under her bed, in the cabinet by the telephone, you will find £500 in cash; please help yourself. And if you fancy taking our new Samsung 3D TV, please take the Blue-Ray player also, without a TV, what’s the point in having the Blu-Ray? Stealing is thirsty work, feel free to make yourself a cuppa!

Yours Sincerely

The Adams family

Day 3:

Flickr, the picture sharing website, is inconspicuously just another way of screaming ‘I’M POPULAR.’

   One photographic enthusiast, whose username is ‘slideshow’ (how very original), has obviously recently visited Mount Rushmore, Kilimanjaro and Buckingham Palace; due to the plentiful about of images he’s taken and uploaded, of himself standing near to these tourist attractions. My photos are just ‘selfies,’ simply of me at Christmas, by the tree, with a paper hat on.

   Back to online dating, with Karen ignoring my message, this gave me the ideal opportunity to revise my online profile, which now reads as follows.’

Name: Alan Paul Davies

Age: 34

Occupation: Daytime Television Critic

Hometown: Derby

Hobbies: Internet, video games, science, comics, gardening and procrastination.

Music: Jazz and Punk Rock

Food: currently on a seafood diet…. If I see food I eat it

Dislikes: Soap, toothpaste, shampoo and Levi jeans.

Day 4:

As they say, a change is as good as a rest, so I decided to explore another dimension of the internet today. I signed up to blogger, the fully operational blog site owned by Google; allowing people to give a coherent and accurate account of their chosen topic area, yet it seems very few, decide to actually do this. Let me give you an example, this is a small passage from a fashion blog by ‘Carey246.’

 How magazines are promoting size 0

‘Them magazines, glossy and all, just show the amount of pressure that young girls have, to be like their idols. I mean, you know, they’re like sticks, and this is saying to young women ‘have a body like this, because it is in the OK magazine.’ What I believe needs to be done, is to ask the government, if they can ban these mags from using these pictures, because of the damage they are doing to impressionable young people.’

  Talk about assassination of the English language.

 

  My blog is about Global Warming, and I believe that David Attenborough sums it up to perfection when he says ‘Dealing with global warming doesn't mean we have all got to suddenly stop breathing. Dealing with global warming means that we have to stop waste, and if you travel for no reason whatsoever, that is a waste.’

    This point is exemplified, by some parents choosing to take their children to school, instead of walking a short distance; some people are mystified by global warming, and other scientific aspects of life, but we all can prevent certain aspects of this, by making simple life alterations.

  My blog, has so far, accumulated three views.

Day 5:

So what’s happening with my online dating experience, I hear you cry? Well, two messages, one from a blonde beauty, who typed ‘hi J,’ she must have been up all night thinking of that one, and one from a Senegalese individual, Akua, who loved my profile, and said if I could send her £10,000 to her bank account, she will fly over to the UK and we can live happy ever after. I’ll put her on a Thomson Dreamliner flight then.

   The conversation with Emily, the blonde beauty, can be summed up by the late Austro-American actress Hedy Lamarr, who said ‘I can excuse everything except for boredom. Boring people don’t have to stay that way,’ try telling Emily that. The amounts of text speak used, such as, ‘brb,’ ‘lol’ and ‘mitb’ meant I spent more time on Google trying to ascertain what they mean. I was in particular, concerned about the intialism ‘mitb’ as I am lead to believe that this means ‘money in the bank’ I might be wrong, but I strongly suspect that Emily is a gold digger; I have about as much money as I do tolerance, so I’m clearly the wrong person for her to talk to.

Day 6:

I’ve deactivated all my social networking sites, and my online dating profile, I’m taking a hiatus from these irritating websites, and have decided to explore the ‘real’ world…. On second thoughts, I’ve always fancied myself as a stand-up comedian (you’ve probably noticed) so I am going to upload of video of myself performing exactly that, here is a transcript of some of my act:

A Guy walks into a butchers, the butcher says, ‘son, I bet you £10 that you are unable to touch that meat up there.’ To which the customer replies, ‘sorry no can do, the steaks are too high.’

A guy walks into a bar, with a piece of tarmac under his arm. The bartender says ‘what can I get you,’ the man replies ‘one for me, and one for the road.’

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bartender ‘I’ll have a whisky and………….. soda.’ The bartender says ‘why the long pause.’ The bear replies ‘dunno, I’ve always had them.’

A Skeleton walks into a bar, and says ‘I’d like a beer, and a mop.’

Then his brother walks in, and says ‘I’d like a beer… and where is the toilet? The bartender replies ‘just over there mate.’ ‘Cheers says the skeleton, because this is going to go right through me.’

 I’ve had ten views of my comedy routine… and one comment from ‘davesmith000’ who wrote ‘you cheat, I’ve got the same book, where you got those jokes from, ‘a man walks into a bar’ by Steve Arnott and Mike Haskins, idiot.’

 What ever happened, to constructive criticism?

Day 7:

I turned the computer off.